Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana” Relationship Series. In this article we will be discussing when to enter a committed relationship and not regret it.

This article is in response to a question I received from Marc in Santa Anita, California. He said the following:

“Hello Dr. Georgiana. I have dated dozens of women in the last 6 years and have not been willing to commit to any of them. In the past week, my last ‘single friend’ got engaged and I started being deeply concerned about being alone when I get old. I am 45 years old and wonder if I overthink relationships and fear commitment. I lived with a woman when I was in my early 30’s for 5 years. She did not want to get married and eventually left without much explanation. Since then, I do not seem to find what I am looking for in a partner. I want to have a committed relationship. Please help!”

Marc’s predicament is not unusual as there are many people who are dating right now and asking themselves if it is time to commit.

In Marc’s situation, there may be many factors to consider, such as how he felt when his live-in girlfriend left him and what kinds of current fears he has about being hurt again. Another thing for Marc to consider is whether the women he dated in the past had any characteristics that did not fit with him or if he just did not give them a chance.

Let me tell you what I think is necessary in order to enter a committed relationship without major consequences.

In order to have a committed relationship, five important factors need to be in place. Let’s call them “conditions”.

The first condition is that there must be a fit between your personality and your date’s personality. I say “personality” in general terms, as “fit” should also include categories such as roles, habits, and goals.

The issue of “fit” is important because you do not want to spend the rest of your life negotiating with a partner on everything you do together.

Some of your date’s characteristics may be complementary with yours but others may not be. A lack of “fit” will likely be a source of frustration for you and lead to constant conflict in the relationship and therefore you need to learn to spot the characteristics in your date that can make you unhappy and make decisions accordingly.

The second condition for you to commit is that your date must not have unhealthy traits or behaviors that you won’t be able to live with. These are different than the ones that “do not fit with you”, in that they are more severe and ingrained characteristics or personality traits and may be the result of mental health difficulties that the person has.

Make a list of the unhealthy traits and behaviors that you want to avoid in a partner and learn to spot them in anyone you become involved with. Learning this system should not take too long but you need to allow yourself enough time to implement it before you commit, as it requires a lot of observing, inquiring, hypothesizing and verifying.

The third condition for you to commit is that you must feel that you deserve to have the love that you want and that you are entitled to have minimum requirements for a committed relationship. I have coached many people who struggled with this and once they confronted their insecurities and doubts, they were able to have healthier and more satisfying partnerships.

The fourth condition for you to commit is that you must be willing to put your needs on the table early on in the relationships so that you can negotiate what needs to be negotiated before your date behaves in ways that make you feel too upset.

This is very important because if you wait too long before speaking out about what you don’t like, you may be too frustrated to be effective in communicating your needs.

And finally the fifth condition for you to commit is that both you and your date must be willing to honor the other person’s basic requirements for a relationship. You will find out if this requirement is being fulfilled by being honest and straightforward about what you are willing to negotiate and by creating an environment in which your date will feel comfortable being honest about his or her needs.

Finding out if a particular person is the right one for life takes some soul searching and effort. I encourage Marc and all of you out there in a similar situation to address the fears that may be preventing you from feeling confident in your ability to choose the right partner.

One effective way of reducing your fear, is to have a strategy for evaluating potential partners. I hope that this article has started you on that path.

I am honored to be part of your journey to dating the right partner and look forward to sharing future articles with you, speaking with you in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.

Your comments are very important to me and help me guide future article choices. PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH ME on the process of entering a committed relationship! You can comment below, or on my Facebook page. I will read all of your comments and make every effort to address your questions, struggles and concerns in future articles.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her YouTube channel on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce at http://bit.ly/AskDrGYT and sign-up to her online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.

Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.

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