Arguing and feeling stuck in unhealthy relationships? Different ways of processing information may be at fault. Many People come to me for Coaching after they have spent years in unhealthy relationships. Most of them have consistently tried to apply good communication and conflict resolution techniques but have not been able to stop arguing incessantly with their partners about the silliest things. Why is this happening? After seeing hundreds of well-intended couples struggle with conflict, I have identified three dimensions in processing information that must be similar in both partners in order to reach an agreement: These three dimensions are how information is:
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Selected
(What factors you consider and how many)
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Organized
(The level of importance that you attribute to each factor)
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Interpreted
(How much time you spend and how effective you are in making sure that the factors that you have selected will lead to a solid conclusion)
Let’s take the first dimension: selection of information. Imagine that the task is to get a new dog. If you consider eight factors in selecting your dog: size, easiness of training, breed, intelligence, friendliness, personality, level of shedding and cost of training, and your partner only considers two different factors such as looks and protective attributes, and you don’t have any factors in common, how are you going to reach the same conclusion? How about the second dimension: organization of information: Even if you had one factor in common, if you consider that easiness of training, personality, and friendliness are the most important factors on your list and ones that you are not willing to compromise, but your partner considers both of her factors-looks and protective attributes essential, you will most likely not choose the same dog. Finally, how about the third dimension: interpretation of information. Since you are a person with high cognitive complexity, you toss all of these factors around for a few days and evaluate whether the factors that you have considered will lead to your final goal: to have a dog that fits with your own personality and lifestyle, that is easy to train and that gets along with your children and neighbors. So you choose a small dog. On the other hand, since your partner considers both of his/her factors essential, he/she does not need to toss them around for a few days and will instantly insist on a big dog. Under these circumstances, you can imagine what it would be like to engage in a conversation with the intention of reaching an agreement. FUTILE! What can you do to avoid constant arguments with a partner?
- Choose a partner who has the same level of cognitive complexity and methodology as you. By this, I do not mean intelligence. Although the level of complexity is often associated with the level of intelligence, it is not always the case. It is important though to choose a partner that processes information in a similar way than you do.
- If you currently have a partner and find yourself arguing incessantly about the silliest things, look at the three dimensions that I just described. Try to understand how your partner is selecting, organizing and interpreting the information that makes him/her reach particular conclusions. By understanding his/her process, you will be able to uncover what truly needs to be addressed in order to agree on difficult subjects.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, French) Emotional Intelligence and Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: Don’t Get Stuck With the Wrong Partner: Learn to detect unhealthy traits and behaviors in others is available on Amazon Kindle. In it you will find more dating tips:
- 60 questions that will help you determine who your current or potential partner may be.
- 10 dimensions that may reveal inconsistent, unhealthy or harmful patterns of behavior in another person.
- Suggestions on how to interpret inconsistencies in behavior in the person that you are considering committing to.
- Advice on what to do when you find traits and behaviors that make you uncomfortable or that suggest deeply rooted physical or psychological issues that are hard to manage and live with.
You can subscribe to her YouTube Channel and to her online news bulletin “Relationships On Fire” on her website at www.drgeorgiana.com. Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.