Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In Part 4 of this series, I pointed out the many warning signs of The Immature person that will bring emotional unrest to your life. In this segment, I am going to discuss The Selfish individual.
This segment is in response to an email I received from Harrison, from London, England with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
I was told by a previous client of yours that you specialize in helping people evaluate partners and decide whether to keep or leave a relationship. I have been dating John for eight months now and although he has a lot of qualities I like, I am worried about some of his behaviors. For example, last week we went away for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. He made all the arrangements and said it was going to be a surprise. The surprise was that we went to a beach resort that he likes and expected me to pay for my share of the costs! When I told him that I should not be paying for my birthday present, he got upset, accused me of not wanting to share, and told me that he was offended by my high expectations. In retrospect, I don’t remember any instance of him giving freely. He often tries to manipulate me into thinking that I am at wrong in wanting him to understand my needs. I used to enjoy giving him presents but I am getting tired of his lack of appreciation for the effort that I make.
I have also noticed that whenever we go out anywhere, especially to social events, he wants to be the center of attention. He is a very good talker and has a very charismatic personality, so people are drawn to him, but he seems to have trouble including me when he is having a conversation. I suspect that it is because he does not want me to hear him say things that are not really true. At first, I took his showing off as his attempt to impress me, but now I am having doubts about how much he cares for me. I talked to one of his friends recently who told me that John is like this with everybody, not just with me. He told me not to take it personally. But he also confessed that he wished John was less critical of others and learned to forgive. I’m scared… What do you think I should do?”
Harrison, I commend you for the self-awareness it took to seek help with this issue and I am so sorry to hear you are doubting yourself. Trust your intuition though! John fits the profile of The Selfish individual, and though he may have lots of positive qualities that you find endearing, the negative ones are not to be dismissed, as they are clearly making you unhappy.
A selfish person is someone who is excessively or exclusively self-concerned – seeking or concentrating on their own advantage, pleasure or well-being without much regard for those of others.
When you are in a relationship with a selfish person, you can feel: manipulated, cheated, left out, exhausted from always giving more than you are receiving, resentful, sad, trapped, and angry. From what I gather, you have plenty of reason to be concerned at this point.
Based on your description, here are the 17 characteristics of a selfish person that John presents:
- Doesn’t enjoy giving
- Is controlling (seeks power or influence over others)
- Is manipulative
- Lacks the ability to identify with and understand the feelings and needs of others
- Is unwilling to express appreciation
- Has little ability to see how his behavior affects others
- Gets angry when everything doesn’t go as he wants
- Expects to get something back from what he gives
- Has an exaggerated sense of self importance and entitlement
- Craves admiration or attention
- Is blaming and critical of others
- Is constantly preoccupied with appearances
- Has difficulty forgiving
- Lies and uses others to obtain what he wants
- Denies, diverts and shifts blame
- Acts in an emotionally immature way
- Portrays himself as a victim
I always tell my clients to periodically put their feelings of love and attraction aside for their partner and objectively analyze their potential for happiness with them for the next 10 years. So, how do you
think you will feel at the end of these next 10 years with John?
There may be many reasons why John is the way he is, most of which are probably tied to his childhood experiences. Keep in mind that selfishness is an ingrained trait that is very difficult to change. If John was willing to look at his behavior and acknowledge how he is making others feel, you would at least have a chance of getting some of your needs met over time. However, given the way he reacts when you point them out, it is unlikely that he will be able to come to terms with his selfish behavior any time soon. Think about how much you are willing to compromise in your life and decide accordingly.
Thank you, Harrison, for sharing this experience and giving me the opportunity to advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new segments by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.