Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In Part 5 of this series, I pointed out many of the characteristics of The Selfish person that can bring emotional pain to your life. In this segment, I am going to discuss The Pathological Liar.
This segment is in response to an email I received from Adam, from Rockville, Maryland with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
I met Mary through an online dating service about 6 months ago. Her profile was a great match for me and she said the same about mine. After one week of emails and phone calls, we started dating. Because I am an inquisitive person, I wanted to learn as much as possible about her, including meeting her family and friends as soon as possible. Mary told me some things about her background that I found appealing. She said that she was a polish immigrant (my own family is of Polish origins), worked as a financial advisor at a local bank, had never been married and had no children. She also said that she was interested in starting a family if she met the right man. The weird thing is that she seems somewhat ill at ease when describing who she was and her background.
When I asked her to introduce me to her parents who supposedly live about 1 hour away, she told me that her family is not nice to her and that she really does not want to have much to do with them. She refused to elaborate on the subject.
One day, I went to pick her up at the bank where she said she worked and could not find her so I asked a manager on the floor if he knew her whereabouts. The manager said that she used to work at the bank but was not longer an employee there. As it turned out, a friend of mine worked at that bank in another floor, so I went to see her. She told me that Mary had misrepresented herself with a customer as a financial advisor when in fact she was only a junior clerk and was fired six months prior to that day. She also told me that based on conversations she had with Mary regarding loyalty to family, she did not think that Mary believed that loyalty was possible.
I don’t know why but when Mary called me that evening I did not mention my visit to the bank or what I was told about her. Maybe that was a good thing because when I asked her how her day at the bank had been, she smiled and very calmly said that “she had had to deal with a lot of complicated banking issues”.
In the last few weeks, I have caught her in smaller lies regarding what she did over a particular weekend or whether she had read a specific book.
When I confronted her about these issues, she changed the subject of the conversation quickly and got upset.
Sometimes I feel that she is “managing me” and putting a lot of effort into hiding a part of herself that she does not want me to see. When she tells stories, she keeps the details to a minimum. Even though I do not spend all week with her, I often find her to be in a bad mood and upset about something.
I know that she is not showing me who she really is but I don’t know whether it is because she is afraid of being judged (for being fired for example) or because she has been hurt and is protecting herself.
Dr. Georgiana, am I being overly suspicious? How can I find out more about Mary?”
Adam, I commend you for trying to find the reason behind Mary’s inconsistencies. However, you should know that you have fallen in love with a fantasy. Unfortunately, Mary fits the profile of a “pathological liar”.
A pathological liar is someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does it with little concern for others. This person is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused and it’s done to satisfy personal needs).
Based on your description, here are eleven characteristics of a pathological liar that Mary presents:
- Does not value loyalty or the truth
- Can lie with a straight face
- Tries to avoid scrutiny
- Constructs a reality around herself
- Is manipulative
- Does not take responsibility for lies
- Gets angry if questioned
- Sometimes appears nervous
- Has a hard time managing feelings
- Has poor family relationships
- Keeps the details of her fictional stories to a bare minimum
I encourage all of my dating clients to wait to proceed with a commitment until they are certain they know enough. You already know that she hides the truth. You may be tempted to rationalize it as “fear of being judged, such as in the case of her being fired, but since that was not the only instance of lying you encountered in your relationship with her, I would put that idea out of your mind and keep paying attention.
In my view, you have two options. Either you initiate a conversation about these lies and ask for an explanation or you wait to find out if she will continue lying as the relationship progresses. Given her reaction when you tried to confront her about one of the lies, it is unlikely that she will be open to acknowledging her general untruthfulness. Also, the fact that she pretended to be a financial advisor when in fact she was only a junior clerk and risked being fired is major evidence that she lacks judgment and has a hard time considering the consequences of her actions. Ask yourself if you would ever do something like that and assume that it was not the only instance of pretending to be someone she is not. I suspect that if you stay with her, you will have a lot of suffering left to go through.
When you are with a partner who is a compulsive or pathological liar, you often feel manipulated, distrustful, doubtful of reality, hyper-vigilant, unsafe, sad, angry, fearful and embarrassed that you put up with their behavior for so long. This may be how you will feel in the future if you do not take her actions seriously.
I sense that something is keeping you connected to her even though you know she is dishonest. I would like to suggest that you look within yourself to find the reason for your hesitation and get the support that you need to create a plan of action.
Adam, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with me and giving me an opportunity to advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.