Have you ever encountered individuals in your personal or professional life who had traits or behaviors that you considered unhealthy and wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana” Relationship Series: The 14 Types of People to Avoid.” In Part 1 of this series, I pointed out many of the warning signs of The Cold person that will bring emotional unrest to your life. In this segment, I am going to discuss The Negative person.
This segment is in response to an email I received from Maryanne from Santa Fe, New Mexico with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
Bill and I have been dating for over a year now. I met him at a party and we hit it off right away. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that Bill had a tendency to be somewhat pessimistic about people but it did not bother me too much because I am quite the opposite and Bill seemed to appreciate my more positive attitude. The problem I have is that I am growing increasingly tired of his grumpiness and the fact that he does not trust any of my friends or family members. I know my friends and family are not perfect but he does not recognize their qualities and only remarks on their flaws. I am even beginning to wonder what he really thinks about me and our relationship. When I tried to talk with him about his views he said that he has very high expectations of people and they often disappoint him or try to harm him. He has used several examples to illustrate his point, but I don’t see how any of these individuals have failed to consider his needs. If I disagree with him, he gets angry and confrontational. Sometimes, when he is dealing with something internally, even if I am minding my own business, he picks a fight with me and bums me out. I heard from his sister that sometimes he also does that to her. At this point, I don’t know what else to do and need your advice.”
Maryanne, I am sorry that you have found yourself in a difficult relationship. Unfortunately, your description fits the profile of someone who has a negative view of himself, life, and others.
A negative individual is someone who tends to see the glass as “half empty” rather than “half full” and chooses to focus on all the reasons why something cannot work or succeed rather than on why it might. Being around this type of person can make you feel unappreciated, falsely accused, frustrated, deeply insecure, or regretful of being in that relationship.
Bill fits the profile of 4 types of negative individuals, as follows:
- The miserable: he often feels unhappy or angry around others and sees failures in people rather than positive qualities.
- The demanding: he has more than normal expectations of others, gets upset if he does not get what he wants, and is often dissatisfied with what he gets from others.
- The highly suspicious: he lacks trust in people, believes that others are trying to harm him, and often complains about other people’s intentions.
- The trigger-happy: he creates havoc and spreads negativity by provoking confrontations.
Maryanne, given the number of traits and behaviors in Bill that fit the “negative individual” ’s profile, you have a strong foundation for doubting your investment in a relationship with him.
It is important for you to ask yourself why Bill acts in the way he does. Are his traits circumstantial? Are they due to a passing condition such as depression? Or are they ingrained into his personality and therefore, very difficult to change? My first suggestion would be that you suggest engaging the help of a Psychotherapist or Psychiatrist, however, it seems unlikely that Bill will accept your suggestion. He does not seem to want to discuss the impact of his actions on others and gets very upset when you try to bring up the subject. If Bill’s negative characteristics have been there for a long time, he probably sees them as normal. If this is the case, you are in a bind and must ask yourself whether you can live with Bill’s traits as they are. If the answer is no and you find that there is a high probability of being emotionally or socially affected by Bill’s behavior, it may be in your best interest to let go of the relationship.
Maryanne, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with me and giving me an opportunity to help advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people, in particular a negative person, before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.