Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In Part 4 of this series, I pointed out the many warning signs of The Controlling Person that will bring emotional unrest to your life. In this segment, I am going to discuss The Immature Person. This segment is in response to an email I received from Sylvia, from Newport Beach, California with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
Peter and I have been married for almost 3 years so I know him pretty well. He is very kind, smart and funny. At the beginning of our relationship I was attracted to his exuberance and spontaneity, but over time I have begun to realize that he often makes decisions that are impulsive and have serious consequences. One time we had made plans to travel through South East Asia and we both agreed that Peter should make the travel arrangements. He is a much better negotiator than I am but since we’ve been together, I have always made our travel and recreation arrangements. Instead of reserving hotels in the locations we planned on visiting, he decided that it would be more adventurous to make those reservations upon arrival. You can imagine that the trip was a disaster. All of the hotels were fully booked at that time of the year so we had to go almost an hour South of town to find a room. When I told him how disappointed I was that he did not do what he agreed to do, he told me that he had wanted to “surprise me”. Instead of taking responsibility for his lack of judgment, he blamed a blog post on a website he had visited, which had raved about the romance and excitement of traveling with minimal planning. Very often when he makes a mistake, he denies any wrongdoing and gets upset if he thinks I am criticizing him. Sometimes he tries to get attention by making silly jokes in public and gravitates toward the individuals who look for thrills, just like he does. If I comment on it and prevent him from having fun, he gets upset and stays that way for several days. I have learned not to trigger an emotional reaction in him because he has a hard time managing emotions. One time when he did not take the car for repairs as he promised to do before we left for a long weekend, he “punished” me by inviting his mother (with whom I have a difficult relationship) to stay with us for 2 weeks without consulting me. When I tried to address this issue, he said that he wanted to see his mother and did not think it would upset me so much. I don’t know what to do. I do love him but I am feeling frustrated and increasingly angry about his behavior. What do you think?”
Sylvia, we can all understand how frustrating this must be for you! At this point you must be very realistic about his behavior and the impact it is having on both your life and his. This will help you decide what you want to do about the relationship.
Based on your description, Peter very clearly fits the profile of The Immature person. Being in a relationship with this type of individual will make you feel tired of arguing, being blamed, being depended on, and having to please. It can also make you feel unloved and resentful. Not an ideal situation for you!
Here are some of the traits and behaviors in Peter that fit the profile of an immature person:
- Does not accept responsibility for his actions
- Blames other people for his failures
- Is overly dependent
- Is self-centered
- Exhibits attention seeking behavior and demands immediate attention
- Seeks constant gratification (is impulsive)
- Doesn’t cope well with change
- Has a hard time controlling emotions
It was difficult for you to notice his lack of maturity because you have been handling most of the marriage affairs and unintentionally fed into Peter’s dependency and lack of follow through. Although it came from the heart, it is not in your best interest and has prevented you from seeing who he really is.
You did the right thing by giving him the responsibility of planning your trip. Though it may have been a disaster in the moment, there are long term benefits having seen what you needed to see. If you were in your early 20’s, I would encourage you to slowly increase the amount of responsibility he has in order to teach him some maturity, but you are no longer in the business of trying to force this type of major change on a grown man. Expect that it may get worse, as he feels the pressure to be more independent and accountable for his actions.
If you’re curious, examine his past relationships and find out why they ended. You may want to ask yourself some of the following questions:
- Were any of his previous partners unhappy about similar issues?
- How did he manage dependency in those relationships?
- How independent is he from his parents and siblings if he has any?
- If it all, when does he take responsibility for things in his personal or professional relationships?
If you find that he does not act in similar ways with other people, it may be that there are specific issues between the two of you that cause him to act this way. In this case, you may want to engage the help of a psychotherapist that can address the dynamics that make him engage in this behavior. If on the contrary, you find that he has, or has had, similar behaviors in other relationships in his life, you are facing deeper issues that will be extremely difficult to change.
I would encourage you to seek professional help in deciding what you are willing to negotiate and what you are not. It is important for you to reflect on your expectations of a partner in your life, be honest about what makes you happy and unhappy, and practice setting limits from the beginning of any relationship.
Thank you, Sylvia, for sharing this experience and giving me the opportunity to advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people, in particular an immature person, before they created too much pain in your life, in particular an immature individual, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new segments by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.