Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In Part 2 of this series, I pointed out many of the characteristics of The Negative person that can bring emotional pain to your life. In this segment, I am going discuss The Controlling person.
I am presenting this segment in answer to an email I received from Lilly, from Irvine, California with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
I love my girlfriend of 2 years, Mary, because she has many wonderful qualities that I appreciate and enjoy. Recently, we began to talk seriously about marriage and Mary began to pressure me to set a date for the wedding. I don’t like to be pressured and when I explained it to her, she told me that she was going to take care of all the details and that I had nothing to worry about. Looking back, I realize that Mary likes to be in charge. Most of the time that works out for me because I am pretty flexible and easy going, but sometimes I think she overdoes it. For instance, when we go out to dinner, she almost always picks the restaurant and get defensive and angry if I don’t agree with her choice. She often feels justified and has a lot of reasons why her choice is better than mine. When she feels that she is losing an argument, she either lashes out or sulks. And if she gives in, she will invariably give me the cold shoulder and evade my questions. According to her sister, she is like this with other people as well. One time, she told me how she was using a friend’s social connections to promote her business without her friend’s permission. She was not bothered by that at all. In fact, she was proud of how well she had managed to keep her friend out of the loop. What I am trying to say is that I am having second thoughts about marrying Mary but I don’t know if my fears are unreasonable.”
Lilly, I can see why you are worried. Even though you seem to care for Mary, and she probably has a lot of positive characteristics that you did not mention, you may be doubting what you already know. Mary seems to fit the profile of someone who has an excessive need for control.
A controlling personl is someone with an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and other in any and every situation. Controlling people are concerned mainly with their own interests, are immature, and are likely to prevent you from leading a satisfying life if you are closely associated with them. Some controlling individuals can become abusive in order to exercise more power over those they wish to control. When you are in a relationship with a controlling person, you most likely feel angry, micromanaged, criticized, unsafe, trapped, confused, and exhausted. If you do not look at her characteristics realistically, you may end up feeling bad about yourself, resentful that you lost your autonomy and in the future, you may even run away. If you are planning to have children with Mary, it would not be a good situation.
Mary’s traits and behaviors fit the profile of 4 types of controlling individuals, as follows:
- The Volatile
If what she wants to happen doesn’t happen, she will lose her temper. - The Know-It-All
She wants everyone to accept her authority because she believes that her knowledge, expertise, and logic are infallible. - The Deceptive
She craves control so badly that for her the end justifies the means. - The Passive-Aggressive. In order to punish others when she does not get what she want, she delays taking action, withholds important information, evades direct questions, sulks and plays “poor me,” and expends effort in maintaining a friendly, cooperative persona while being secretly angry.
Given the number of controlling characteristics that Mary has, it may be very difficult for you to get along with her. I would suggest having a conversation with her about how you feel and if she is not open to discussing it and addressing her controlling tendencies with the help of a professional, to let her go.
Lilly, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with me and giving me an opportunity to help advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people, in particular a controlling person, before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.