Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In this segment, I will explore a type of individual that can be very hurtful to you, and that is The Cold Person.
I am presenting this segment in answer to an email I received from Thomas, from Illinois with the following question:
“Dr. Georgiana. I have been dating a woman for six months. At first, I was very attracted to her because she had an air of confidence and detachment that I liked. She was not overly flirty, which I found comforting because I am a jealous type and prefer reserved women.
However, as time went by, I started noticing several behaviors that confused me and scared me, as follows: During a dinner at her friend’s house, she made a comment about another friend of hers and called her “needy” when she came to talk to her about something someone said that hurt her feelings. The whole night she was mostly looking at magazines and did not get involved with the conversation which focused on personal experiences other people had had in their lives. When we are intimate, she is rough and even though she claims to like me, she seems to prefer not to discuss feelings. She has told me that she prefers to sleep alone. She has also told me that she has had numerous casual relationships and when I asked her if she was bothered by this fact, she responded that she did not care what other people thought.
I have wanted to tell her that I am falling in love with her but hesitate because she seems to become anxious and evasive when the subject comes up. When she invited me to a dinner at her mother’s house once, one of her brothers told me that he was surprised to see her because she often says that family gatherings are boring for her. He also told me that I was the first man she had brought home and that he did not think she ever had a relationship that lasted more than three months. And finally, once she took me to her office party and was very critical of her boss, who seemed to be a really nice person.
Could you please help me figure all of this out? I am very drawn to her aloofness for some reason but my intuition tells me I may make a big mistake if I continue with her. As always, thank you for your advice and guidance.”
Thomas, I do not know the woman you are dating but what you are describing is worrisome and fits the profile of someone who has a deep difficulty in caring for and bonding with others:
Here are the behaviors in her that fit that profile:
- Shows a disdain for “neediness”
- Has problems with intimacy
- Invests little emotion in social and romantic relationships
- Prefers casual or loveless sex
- Is unable or unwilling to share thoughts and feelings with others
- Becomes anxious and evasive when intimate conversation or behavior turns to “caring” or “love”
- Appears detached, distant, indifferent, remote, withdrawn, and self-absorbed
- Has difficulty empathizing and having compassion for other people.
- Experiences family gatherings and social events as boring chores to be endured or avoided rather than enjoyed
- Has a history of not committing to a mate
- Has strict boundaries (such as preferring to sleep in separate rooms)
- Is critical, and cold-hearted
Fortunately for you, in a short amount of time, she has displayed a lot of unhealthy traits and behaviors. However, I sense that you are not trusting your intuition and may have an unhealthy attraction to being mistreated. I suggest that you take her characteristics seriously, tell yourself that you are not in the business of changing people and start looking for a kinder and more loving person to share your life with.
Thomas, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with me and giving me an opportunity to help advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people, in particular a cold person, before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-510