Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In my previous segment, I pointed out the many warning signs of The Sociopathic person that will bring emotional unrest to your life. In this segment, I am going to discuss The Sexual Deviant.
This segment is in response to an email I received from Jimmy, from San Francisco, with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
I met Robert during a flight to Vancouver. He is handsome, very sexy and a successful musician who often performs in different venues around the country. Our sexual chemistry is great but as we got to know each other better he started to make demands of me that made me very uncomfortable. For instance, he asked me to tie him up to the bed post and to physically hurt him. At first, I thought it was just a game and I went along with it. But then he kept demanding more extreme behaviors of me when we were intimate. So I realized that he was really serious about it. One day he had left his laptop open on the table and I peeked. Apparently, he had been on a pornography site that day. The actor was a man and he was having intimate contact with two highly deformed individuals. I found that pretty disturbing. Last night when I was at his house, his neighbors across the street left their shades open and we could tell they were making love. My first instinct was to look away but Robert insisted that we watch them. I did it for a bit just to please him but then I decided to leave and he kept watching. He called me two hours later to tell me that he was very excited by what he saw and wanted me to come visit him again that night. I found that pretty weird since prior to watching the neighbors, he had been unable to get aroused. Am I being a prude, Dr. Georgiana? I do not have any evidence that he is engaging in any sexual behavior outside of our relationship except for watching strange porn. I don’t know how to tell him what I feel or how to handle his requests. But more importantly, I do not know how to interpret his sexual tendencies. I would love to know what you think.”
Jimmy, I can see why you are worried. Although many healthy individuals have watched porn at one point or another in their lives, watching it constantly or not being able to get aroused without watching pornographic images is not healthy for that individual. If this was the only type of behavior that your boyfriend exhibited, with some help he could stop doing it and eventually may be able to do without it. However, watching pornography involving deformed individuals or animals as well as needing to feel pain during sex is considered sexually deviant behavior and is not easily changed. It is very possible that your boyfriend has been exposed to very inappropriate and possibly abusive behavior during childhood. If he does not respond to your request to stop or refuses to admit that his behavior is problematic, I would seriously consider leaving him immediately.
Whether he participated in sexual activities as a child or was just an observer, it is hard to tell. However, the fact that he needs to feel pain to get aroused suggests that he may have been a participant and victim of abuse. Regardless of what he went through, you cannot help him and should not yield to any request that is uncomfortable for you, as doing so will likely have a negative impact on your self-esteem and sexuality.
If you were to stay with a partner who was a sexual deviant you would most likely feel abused, taken advantage of, like a sex object, unloved, mistreated, exhausted, scared, constantly suspicious and emotionally and physically in danger and angry. So I would urge you to ask him to get some help and step out of the picture until he is able to manage his sexual behavior. This should be non-negotiable and if you find that it is hard for you to follow through, I encourage you to seek the support of a professional.
Michael, I want to thank for sharing your experience with me and giving me an opportunity to advise you.
To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people before they created too much pain in your life, in particular a sexual deviant, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at: www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.