Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In my previous segment, I pointed out many of the characteristics of The Addicted person that can bring emotional unrest to your life. In this segment, I am going to explore The Sociopathic person.
I am presenting this segment in answer to an email I received from Xenia, from Hawaii, with the following question:
Dear Dr. Georgiana:
I am writing to you because I am increasingly afraid of my partner and don’t know what to do about it. When we started dating, Bob was very charming with me and swept me off my feet. One of the qualities that I found very attractive was his self-confidence. He was not afraid of anything or anyone and I believed that he could accomplish anything he wanted. The first sign that something was wrong was when I realized that he was unwilling to talk about his feelings. At first I thought this was just a thing that men do, but then I noticed that when we talked about his family or friends, he never expressed any feeling of love or caring for them. The other thing in him that makes me uncomfortable is that he talks about himself as if he can do no wrong. When something is not right it’s always other people’s fault and he never recognizes his contribution to a problem. I recently learned that he has had a string of unsuccessful relationships in the past and has been accused of being manipulative, controlling and devoid of compassion by several previous girlfriends. One of them called the police on him and accused him of taking advantage of her and stealing some of her belongings. The case was dismissed due to lack of evidence. I am beginning to see his impulsive side and tendency to hide the truth. I have never caught him cheating or flirting with women but something tells me that he may be more promiscuous than he pretends to be.
In terms of his coldness, what really scared me was that when my mother died, he did not or could not offer me any comfort even though it was one of the most difficult moments of my life. He said a few right things during the service, but I sensed more manipulativeness than empathy. Instead of consoling me, he focused mostly on how much furniture I was getting out of the estate. So I started asking myself, “who is this person I am dating?” He has never been abusive or violent with me yet why do I feel scared? Please help!
Xenia, there is a book I often recommend to my clients, titled: “The Gift of Fear,” by Gavin De Becker. I suggest that you read it. In it, you will be reminded of how important intuition is, in particular when dealing with potential physical or emotional danger. You seem to be dating someone who has some major psychological issues. Without knowing your boyfriend personally, I cannot tell you whether you are in danger or not but I would definitely be cautious and not get further committed until you are sure that your fears are unfounded.
What you are describing may be signs that you are dating a sociopathic person. Here are sixteen characteristics of this type of individual. You must decide how many of them your boyfriend presents.
A sociopathic person:
- Has glib, superficial charm and charisma
- Lies pathologically
- Is cunning and manipulative
- Has a grandiose sense of self-worth
- Lacks remorse or guilt
- Is emotionally shallow
- Is callous/lacks empathy
- Does not accept responsibility for his/her own actions
- Needs constant stimulation and is prone to boredom
- Has a parasitic lifestyle
- Fails to establish realistic, long-term goals
- Is impulsive and has poor behavioral control
- Is irresponsible and takes risks that may lead to self-damage or damage to others
- Has a history of early behavioral problems, such as juvenile delinquency.
- Has had many short-term marital relationships
- Is prone to promiscuous sexual behavior
Use this list and put a checkmark next to the characteristics that your boyfriend has. If he is a sociopath and you were to continue dating him, you will most likely end up feeling afraid for your life and possessions, manipulated/used/conned, treated like a property, isolated, unloved, forced to withdraw in order to cope and in emotional pain. You could begin to doubt your own sanity and could be in serious economic, emotional and/or physical danger.
If you are not ready to leave him based on what you know so far, conduct an investigation into other relationships in his life, past and present, as well as into his work and legal history. The fact that the one legal case you know about was dismissed does not mean he was not guilty-just that there was not enough evidence.
However, I would caution you… a sociopathic person is manipulative and often highly intelligent. He will not take kindly to being uncovered. This can put you at risk. Even if he is not a sociopath, the fact that he could not show any empathy when you lost your mother suggests that he is not a healthy partner for you. If lacking empathy is a “non-negotiable” for you, I would recommend that you leave him as soon as you can. If you decide to part ways, I would do it in a public place or on the telephone, after you have taken precautions to protect your property.
Xenia, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with me and giving me an opportunity to advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people, in particular a sociopathic person, before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at: www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.