Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana” Relationship series. This week we will be discussing how to stop being the target of emotional abuse by your ex.
Do you have an angry ex that is seeking vengeance by being verbally aggressive, intimidating, harassing, passive aggressive, dismissive or using the children as pawns? If you do, this segment can help.
I am addressing this subject in response to an email I received from Larry, from Honolulu, Hawaii, stating the following:
“Dr. Georgiana, I separated from my spouse a year ago and since then, it has been hell. She leaves harassing messages on my voicemail, threatens to tell my co-workers that I left her without an explanation, and when I call her to schedule a visitation with our children, she does not answer my call. Whenever I do see her, she becomes “passive-aggressive” by being late or berates me in public. I’ve just begun the process of going through court to establish a custody schedule and have a scheduled mediation appointment. I know you’ve conducted custody evaluations and are a specialist in domestic violence and Relationship Coaching, so I need your advice. What do I do to avoid this level of emotional abuse?”
Larry’s story is not unusual. The courts’ desks are full of cases of high conflict between individuals that were once in love and ended up in abusive situations before or after separation.
None of us like to think about the harsh reality that someone who once loved us is now out to hurt us, but it happens. And if you are having emotional abuse with an ex, you need to learn to manage it as well as you can.
Instead of confusing you by giving you different suggestions for different types of abuse, I want to give you some general advice on how you can stop being the target of emotional abuse by your ex. This advice applies only to situations in which there is no physical abuse. I will be discussing that in a separate segment. Again, today, we are focusing only on psychological issues and on the strategy needed to decrease conflict and emotional abuse.
Suggestion #1. Look at how you contribute to the problem.
This one shocks people the most and is also the hardest to follow, as it requires you to be willing to look inwards at your own behavior, even though you are the victim. This is important and a good rule of thumb in most areas of relationships. Before you analyze someone else’s behavior, you must be aware and critical of your own.
Even though you may not be the initiator of the conflict, there are things that you may be doing unknowingly that may be triggering your ex’s anger. As long as you are not aware of them, you may continue to be the target of their anger. So I want you to take the time to make a list of the last three negative interactions that you had with your ex.
After you have done this, write down what you thought you may have done, either at the moment or previously, that may have angered your ex.
And finally, write a goal associated with each interaction that relates to changing your behavior in some way in the future in order to not be the target of their abusive behavior. One of the goals for example may be to not bring up something they did in the past.
Suggestion#2. Communicate with a “non-threatening” posture.
This means that before you have contact with your ex, you will have to take a few minutes to evaluate your feelings and to let go of any anticipated anger you may have towards them. This will help you be non-defensive and will make it harder for your ex to create a negative interaction. In order to get rid of your anger, you may have to wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex, and you, may be overreacting with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive them for past wrongs and move on. By being less defensive, your ex may become more aware of their own anger and behavior and hopefully feel uncomfortable and “exposed” enough to want to handle things differently.
Now, there will be people that will not stop emotional abusive no matter what you do. If that is the case, you may have to avoid them all together or never be alone with them again. However, the majority of people do have a conscience and can be affected by your change of stance toward them.
Suggestion #3. Keep your “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict.
Face-to-face interactions have the most potential for conflict. Use email or faxes whenever possible when communicating with your ex. If you can’t use email, use text as much as you can. If you are in the middle of a child custody dispute, like Larry, these methods will allow you to document interactions. Remember that this goes both ways and just as important is the language you choose in these documented interactions with your ex. If you must leave a recorded message, speak even more carefully.
Suggestion #4. Use a script to help you through negotiations.
This is a very good strategy to help you stay on track and not get pulled into conflict. Before making a phone call, take the time to write out your thoughts, including what you’ll say and not say. Anticipate what your ex might say that will hurt or anger you and stick to the business at hand. Don’t get hooked into old arguments that won’t be solved with another fight.
Suggestion #5. Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex is suggesting.
As difficult as this may seem, especially if your ex has hurt you deeply, it works to your advantage in any argument to maintain this stance of level-headedness and openness. Your goal here is not to win but to decrease conflict and stop being the target of emotional abuse by your ex. I am sure that once in a while, he or she will say something that makes sense to you. When that happens, acknowledge it! Even if you disagree with the main point, try to find some common ground. If you do this on a regular basis, you may be able to diffuse some of your ex’s anger.
Suggestion #6. Keep your eye on the goal of decreasing “anger”.
Dealing with an angry ex requires awareness and strategy. My clients that are most successful at this are those willing to lose a battle in order to win the war. Although you may not see the result of your efforts immediately, staying committed to a decrease in conflict in the relationship with your ex will pay big in dividends in the long-run for you as well as for your children if you have any.
Managing a contentious ex is without a doubt mentally and emotionally draining. Make sure you have a support system of friends and family in place to help you go the distance when your ex is being especially difficult. Be firm, consistent and strategic in your thinking and trust that the conflict will not last forever, as one day, contact with them will no longer be necessary.
Quickly before we finish the segment, I want to acknowledge the people who struggle with emotional abuse. If the level of conflict with your ex surpasses your capacity to handle it, please speak out to your friends and family and consider engaging the help of an attorney or the police.
I hope that these six suggestions will help decrease conflict in your life. I want to thank Larry for reaching out with his concern. To him and anyone else with a similar problem, please don’t hesitate to contact me with any concerns or issues you may be having!
I am honored to be part of your journey to find and enjoy the right partner and look forward to sharing future articles with you, connecting with you in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have tips for managing emotional abuse in a relationship with an ex, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at: www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page .
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.