In Part 3 of this series, we looked at the 9 categories of traits and behaviors in your partner that may not fit with you.
For the most part, these categories included milder traits and behaviors that were not necessarily unhealthy but did bother you nonetheless because they were too different from the way you are and how you behave.
Now in Part 4, we will look at your partner’s unhealthy traits and behaviors.
As you can imagine, your partner’s unhealthy traits and behaviors are extremely important to consider when deciding whether to keep or leave your partner, as they have 3 specific characteristics:
- They are usually very ingrained in your partner’s personality. Because unhealthy traits and behaviors are usually the result of negative childhood experiences or role modeling, they are integrated into the person’s way of being and of relating with the world.
- They are usually much more difficult to change than the traits and behaviors you identified in the last post (those that are not a good fit for you). Because unhealthy traits and behaviors are ingrained, it takes a lot of effort to change them.
- They put you more at risk emotionally, physically and possibly economically.
The first thing that my clients ask me when I talk about how hard it often is to change unhealthy traits and behaviors is: what does it take for a person to change? Well, let me start by saying that one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is to make it their primary goal to change the other person. And this is often the source of great frustration and conflict for both partners. Being able to change ingrained behavior or personality traits in your partner does not depend on how much you love the person and insist that they change, but on factors that only relate to your partner. And if those factors are missing, change becomes almost impossible.
The first requirement is that your partner must acknowledge and agree that the trait or behavior is unhealthy for them and problematic for the relationship. As you know, this is not always easy. To find out if your partner sees the problem as you do, the two of you must talk about it. But more importantly, you must assess whether they have two important characteristics that will help them understand the problem: insight and empathy.
Insight is the ability to discern the true nature of a situation. Insight is essential because without it, your partner will not have any clarity about how their behavior affects their own life and the lives of others and will not be able to find the resources necessary to change.If your partner does not understand the impact of their behavior, you are in for a roller coaster ride and very likely a lot of disappointment and anger in your relationship.
If you have this type of partner, you may be tempted to give them a break and hope that they will one day get it. After all, it is not their fault that they don’t have any insight into the problem. It is possible that your partner is genuinely clueless about the impact of their trait or behavior, but what matters here is how that cluelessness affects your life. From your point of view, their lack of insight is a real problem and not one that will go away by itself or because you give them a break.
The other characteristic that can help your partner acknowledge that their trait or behavior affects you is empathy. Empathy will allow them to put themselves in your shoes and see things from your point of view. If your partner does not acknowledge the problem, ask yourself how much empathy they have. The answer to this question may help you decide how much leeway you really want to give them. A lack of empathy will have huge repercussions in your life with that person. Have the courage to draw the line when you start to feel that empathy is a real problem for your partner.
But let’s assume your partner has insight and empathy and acknowledges the problem. The second requirement for them to change is that they want to change. If they want to change, then it is worth it for you to keep trying. But I am sure you know people who recognized that they had a problem but had no intention of changing.
Here is where it’s my turn to jump in and help you. Up to this point in the evaluation of your partner, you still could find an excuse for them. If they did not understand the problem, maybe you thought you could eventually make them understand….
But if they don’t want to change and you find the trait or behavior unacceptable or “non-negotiable,” then please do not try to convince yourself that they will end up changing if you insist enough. This will likely just create animosity and conflict with little resolution of the problem. Unfortunately, at this point, you must seriously reconsider your commitment to them.
But let’s assume your partner is willing to change. The third requirement for them to change is that they are capable of it. There are a lot of people with addictive traits and behaviors for example that have been through a program to deal with their addiction and have failed five, six or more times because no matter how good their intention was, two things got in the way:
- Their traits and behaviors were too deeply rooted. This is something that you will be able to tell based on how often your partner expresses these issues, how long they have behaved that way for, and how automatic their behavior is.
- They did not have the internal resources necessary to change.
Let me give you five examples of unhealthy traits and behaviors in a partner and then we will look at the resources that are necessary to change them:
- Difficulty in caring for and bonding with others. Here we are talking about a person who is cold. This tends to be the result of unhealthy childhood relationships and therefore is fairly ingrained in the person’s way of being.
- Negative outlook on self, others, and life in general. This a negative individual. Some people may be depressed in which case their negativity may be circumstantial but there are other people who have been negative since childhood and see others and the world through a dark lens. The longer your partner has been negative, the longer it could take them to change it.
- Excessive need for control. These individuals tend to be insecure. A consistent and excessive need for control is usually very ingrained and at the extreme, dangerous because controlling people are often mean and abusive.
- Emotional immaturity and unreliability. In order to have a stable and functional life, your partner must be mature and reliable. If your partner is over 30 years old and immature, do not expect many changes after that point.
- Selfishness and lack of desire to compromise. You cannot negotiate with a selfish individual and living with someone with these traits can leave you exhausted and resentful.
The list of unhealthy traits and behaviors goes on. In fact, let me quickly list several others to give you a more complete picture:
- Need to lie
- Poor judgment and impulsivity
- Difficulty in managing emotions
- Excessive need for substances
- Manipulativeness and lack of remorse
- Difficulty in controlling sexuality
- Difficulty in managing reality
These are all very important traits and behaviors in a partner that can have a profound effect on your life and happiness. I would like you to make a list of the traits and behaviors in your partner that are unhealthy. Please include both mild, moderate, and severe traits and behaviors. You can complete this exercise by downloading, printing and filling out the workbook I’ve created for you. This is a very important exercise; don’t forget to do it.
Now let’s look at the internal resources necessary for your partner to change. Here are 11 internal resources that you partner needs to have in order to be able to change their unhealthy traits and behaviors:
- Frustration tolerance
- Belief in themselves
- Healthy level of maturity
- Ability to compromise
- Ability to control impulses
- Good judgement
- Empathy
- Insight
- Ability and desire to seek help
- Willpower
- Ability to follow through with goals
As you can see, a lack of internal resources may be part of a person’s unhealthy trait or behavior which is why people who are psychologically unhealthy have a hard time changing. Evaluate your partner for these internal resources when you are trying to decide whether your partner is right for you.
I commend you for having the determination to want to better your life and to take the time to learn the skills you need in order to have the relationship that you always wanted and deserve. You have begun a process of learning and dedication to your own well-being. And I assure you that this healthy attitude will take you far. I am sure that some of the information that I have presented in these posts has felt a little overwhelming to you. But don’t worry, you can come back to them at any time to read them again.
The Next Step
Because I know that you will have challenges ahead, whether they will be difficulties with managing your feelings and being objective, focusing on negative traits and behaviors in your partner rather than on positive ones, figuring out which behaviors do not fit with you or are unhealthy, sorting out through conflicting information, making the final decision of whether to keep or leave your partner or following through with that decision, I want to offer you the next step.
You have made it through this series and are serious about making a decision. To help you do that, I have a special offer for you: a 6 module on-demand online program titled: “Should You Stay or Should You Go? The Final Decision About Your Committed Relationship” and I am offering it to you at a discounted price.
This program will build on what you have learned in this 4-part series and teach you new skills that will diminish your doubts and help you take that important final step.
Here’s what you’ll learn in each of the 6 modules:
Module 1: Choosing the Right Partner
Module 2: Clarifying What You Are Seeking
Module 3: Unclouding Your Judgment
Module 4: Discussing and Compromising (D&C)
Module 5: Identifying The “Non-Negotiables”.
Module 6: Creating a Step-by-step Action Plan and Making The Final Decision.
You will be able to watch and listen to this on-demand program from the comfort of your own home. You will be given access to all of the Modules immediately and you can come back to the portal and watch them as many times as you want. Inside the member’s area, you will be able to download and print all of your workbooks and exercises for each Module.
This on-demand online program is the result of 3 years of research and over 20 years of Coaching and Psychology training and experience. It would cost you thousands of dollars for me to share all of that information with you in coaching sessions and that is why I have poured the same knowledge, value, and strategies into a much more affordable alternative.
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I understand what you are going through
By going through this program, you’ll be more informed than most people you know on what it takes to successfully decide whether to keep or leave a partner. You will be able to erase any doubts you have about whether to keep or leave your partner by evaluating them and the relationship at a deeper level.
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