Do you struggle with jealousy in your relationship and wish that you could make it stop? If your answer is “yes,” I have some suggestions for you.

Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana” Relationship series. In the last segment, I covered Part 2 of my series ‘How To Manage Jealousy in a Relationship” and explored how one of my subscribers, Abigail, from Tampa, Florida could understand her partners’ thoughts and feelings.

This week, in Part 3, I will be focusing on increasing trust, a very important step in managing jealousy and developing Emotional Intelligence.

I am addressing this subject in response to an email I received from Michael, from Houston, Texas who stated the following:

“Dr. Georgiana. I have been in a relationship with a woman for three years and she has been jealous of my colleagues since we committed to each other after dating for six months. She gets upset with me every time that I have an office party. Even though I usually offer to take her, she often insists that we stay home. I am tired of the lack of trust and have asked her to deal with the issue before I decide to leave her. I do love her but feel trapped. I would like to know how I can increase trust in my relationship with her. Thank you very much.”

I understand Michael, as his predicament is fairly common. Many of my clients report that their relationships were doing very well until something happened that put the trust in jeopardy. Trust is essential in a relationship and without it, there can be no happiness. Let’s look at trust, and before we explore how to increase it, let’s define it.

Trust is defined as “the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” Trust usually builds slowly over time and can easily suffer. Once it is broken, it is hard to fix, in particular if there are unresolved feelings of jealousy between partners.

In this article, I will be making an assumption that Michael’s girlfriend has no reason to distrust him.

Here are three suggestions to help Michael build trust in his relationship:

1. Michael must suspend his assumptions and find out why his girlfriend distrusts him. Michael seems to think that his girlfriend’s jealousy is totally unfounded and irrational. It may be that Michael’s girlfriend is projecting some distrust, possibly from old relationships, onto her relationship with Michael or she may have a reason behind those feelings, even if Michael is an innocent bystander. For example, she may have attended an office party at the beginning of their relationship and may have observed that one of Michael’s colleagues or subordinates seemed interested in him. And she may not know how to handle the situation or even how to discuss it.

Michael should not assume that he knows what is going on with his girlfriend, he must ask her. Many people worry that discussing reasons for distrust with a partner can bring out more distrust. This view is short-sided, as no matter how difficult conversations may be at first, without an honest discussion of what creates jealousy, this feeling tends to stay for the whole length of the relationship and can create a lot of havoc. When you are dealing with other people’s feelings, it is important to put aside your assumptions and find out the facts.

2. Once Michael finds out what is making his girlfriend jealous, he must take her concerns seriously. This does not mean that he has to stop going to office events, but he must not dismiss her complaints, mock her, or threaten to leave. Michael must take the position that his girlfriend has some valid reasons to be concerned, at least from her point of view. Even if he has no interest in anyone else, the fact that someone in his office makes it evident that they are attracted to him is sufficient reason for her to prefer to stay away. Acknowledging that this colleague’s behavior is misplaced and possibly inappropriate may be difficult but will go a long way towards rebuilding trust. Michael should expect that the process will not be easy. It is very hard for anyone to acknowledge jealousy so he must try to make it easier for her to be open about it

3. Michael must identify the things that he can do to rebuild trust in the relationship, make a plan of action, and follow through. He may consider for example sending an email to his office colleagues letting them know how much he enjoys their company at office events and add a photo of himself and his girlfriend. I am sure that his girlfriend has some suggestions in this regard. He should consider her suggestions and implement the ones that he considers appropriate.

It is possible that no matter what he does, his girlfriend will not trust him, either because she is looking at the evidence in a different way than he does or projecting onto him past experiences that are very difficult to break free from. But he must give it a shot.

Michael must be clear with his girlfriend about what he is willing and not willing to do. If for example, she asks him to close all of his social media accounts or give her the passwords to his computer or phone, this may not be acceptable to him. I believe that respect for personal property is essential in a relationship and discourage my clients from allowing their partner access to personal accounts in order to manage their jealousy. In my personal experience, invasion of privacy usually leads to deeper problems than the ones that were there before. There may be things that Michael can suggest to his girlfriend as a solution to ease up her concerns, such as for him to have a conversation with the colleague in question about her “friendliness” during work events and the impact on his relationship.

If after Michael has completed these three steps, he still finds that his girlfriend is being unreasonable, it would be appropriate for him to set a limit with her and go to his office parties alone. At this point he must ask himself whether his girlfriends’ demands fall in the category of “non-negotiables” for him and consider leaving the relationship.

I want to thank Michael for sharing his experiences with me and giving me an opportunity to help him. I also would like to thank you for following this series. I am honored to be part of your journey to find and enjoy the right partner and look forward to sharing future articles with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.

If you have been successful at eliminating jealousy from a relationship, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at: www.drgeorgiana.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.

Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.