Do you wish you knew how to manage jealousy in a relationship? To a certain extent, everyone’s answer to this question is probably “yes”. Here are the solutions.
Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana” Relationship series. This week I will be exploring Part 1 of a series on managing jealousy which will help you better understand yourself.
I am addressing this subject in response to an email I received from Abigail, from Tampa, Florida, who said the following:
“Dr. Georgiana. I have been married for six years to my high school sweetheart. When we were in high school there were a lot of parties and my husband used to disappear on certain weekends and not answer his phone. Even though he is a quiet man, women react favorably to him and often follow him around when they know I am not looking. One time in the recent past, I discovered that he was texting women who were not in our circle of friends or acquaintances. He assured me he was not intimate with any of them and claimed that he was just networking. Even though there was no proof otherwise, it was still too difficult for me to believe him. I have never trusted him again and feel constantly suspicious and jealous when there are women around. As I result of my distrust, I have corresponded with a couple of old boyfriends during our marriage as well and he found out about it, which caused him not to trust me either. Our dynamic is causing me sleepless nights and I wish I could make it stop. I know that you cover your subscribers concerns in depth and though you probably get a lot of emails, it would really help if you could address this issue. I Hope you are well and thank you in advance for your help.
Let me start by acknowledging how hard this situation must be for Abigail. It seems that she and her husband have found themselves caught in a tricky web.
Jealousy can ruin your relationship but fortunately, it can also be helpful. Just like any other feeling, jealousy contains a lot of information and suggests that something is happening that you need to address.
Look Inward
Whether or not you are the jealous one in the relationship, the first step in learning how to manage jealousy in a relationship is to look inward.
According to Emotional Intelligence practice, looking inward means trying to understand your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Whenever you are having a strong negative feeling, take a few minutes to reflect on your thoughts and ask yourself whether they are accurate or distorted.
If your partner has been unfaithful in the past or appeared to be so, it is not indicative that he or she will do it again. This is particularly true if you have been together a long time, and any incident of cheating happened when you were still very young, as is the case with Abigail’s husband. In her case, she has suspicions that her husband is cheating but does not have any evidence. What is the point in torturing herself with assumptions?
Now both Abigail and her husband have been engaging in behaviors that are not transparent and can certainly lead to the things that they are both equally worried about; cheating, namely to be texting with people that the other person would consider a threat. Why they are doing it is a very good question. One reason could be that they are both engaged in a reactive pattern where they are getting even with each other and showing the other person that they can threaten the relationship. This is obviously going to adversely affect the relationship and their first step towards a solution is for both individuals to decide to stop.
Another part of clarifying her thoughts may be for Abigail to try to understand why she thinks that texting with her ex boyfriends may fix the problem. It may be that her thoughts in this regard are distorted and that she needs to confront them in order to find a healthier way of thinking about resolving the problem.
Clarify Your Own Feelings
The second step for Abigail to take after clarifying her thoughts is to clarify her feelings. Just like thoughts, feelings can be distorted. This does not mean that they are not real, but rather that behind one feeling may be another one that you are not aware of. For example, Abigail may feel jealous when her husband texts with women but in reality, what may be bothering her most is that she may be afraid of losing her husband’s attention for some reason (for example because she has stopped taking care of herself). Or she may be angry with her husband because he used to invite her for lunch once or twice a week in the past and all of a sudden stopped doing it.
Understand Your Own Behavior
And finally, the third step for Abigail to take when looking at herself is to understand her behavior. …. She should ask herself why she is behaving in the same way as her husband if that is not what she wants? Could it be that her fear and anger may be making her want to punish him by texting with her ex and making sure that he finds out about it?
Understanding your thoughts, feelings and behaviors is essential in any relationship and I hope that if you are struggling with jealousy with your partner, you will take some time to understand yourself. This will go a long way towards solving the jealousy in your relationship.
Please stay tuned for Part 2 of my series titled: “How To Manage Jealousy In A Relationship” where I will make suggestions about how to understand your partner.
I am honored to be part of your journey to find and enjoy the right partner and look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at eliminating jealousy from a relationship, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at: www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.