Do you struggle with jealousy in your relationship and wish that you could make it stop? If your answer is yes, I have some suggestions for you.
Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana” Relationship series. In my last segment, I covered Part 3 of my series ‘Managing Jealousy in a Relationship” and explored how one of my subscribers, Michael, from Houston, Texas, could increase trust in his relationship. I gave him three suggestions: to suspend his assumptions and find out why his girlfriend distrusts him, to take his girlfriend’s concerns seriously and refrain from threatening to leave, and finally to identify the things that he can do to rebuild trust, make a plan of action and follow through.
This week in Part 4 I will be focusing on negotiating needs, another important step in developing Emotional Intelligence in your relationship.
I am addressing this subject in response to an email I received from Isabelle from St Paul, Minnesota who stated the following:
“Dr. Georgiana. I separated from my live-in boyfriend two years ago due to his uncontrolled jealousy. We have a one-year-old daughter and we have to constantly negotiate the weekly visitation schedule. When he thinks that I am dating and gets jealous, he becomes very irrational during schedule negotiations and I often end up having my daughter unexpectedly. This forces me to have to cancel my plans at the last minute. Are there any negotiation tips that you could share with me to help me manage my ex better? And also, what do I do about his jealousy?”
Negotiation is part of life, and it is not only about haggling over the price of something. It takes place any time two or more people want different things and wish to reach an agreement. When there is jealousy in a relationship, negotiation can become particularly difficult.
Here are four concrete things that Isabelle can do to help her negotiations with her ex go smoothly.
- Clarify with herself and verbalize to her ex what she expects to get out of the negotiation. It seems that Isabelle has endured her ex’s manipulations for a long time. And even though she knows that the open schedule does not work, she continues to leave it open. She needs to ask herself what she truly needs and tell her ex what that is. For example, she could tell him that she either wants to negotiate a permanent visitation schedule (which I would recommend) or that at the very least she expects to know the schedule 2 weeks in advance. This would allow both of them to plan their own activities and those of their child. Leaving the schedule open allows her ex to use it as a weapon to punish her when he gets jealous. It would also be in her best interest to tell her ex that she expects him to manage his feelings of jealousy so that they don’t interfere with their negotiations.
- Clarify with her ex what he expects to get out of the negotiation. As negotiation is a two-way street. Isabelle needs to ask her ex what is important to him. Doing this will give her a sense of how reasonable her ex’s expectations are and also allow her to think about whether she can and wants to meet them.
- Understand and verbalize what she is willing to do about each of the things that she wants to negotiate and what she is not. Once Isabelle has asked her ex what is important to him, it is time for her to decide what she is willing to do about each item on the negotiation agenda. This includes both the things that she wants and what her ex wants. For example, she may be willing to pick up her daughter once per week but not twice. In terms of her ex’s jealousy, she may be willing to agree to not bring any of her dates to the house until she is fully committed to a particular partner but may not be willing to agree to not date at all. She may also may be willing to let her ex know when she will be out of town but not discuss with him whom she is with.
- Clarify with her partner what he is willing and not willing to negotiate as well what he is willing to do about each of the things that are up for negotiation. Once Isabelle has presented her own negotiation agenda, she must listen to what he is willing to do as well. This is the most important, and most difficult step for Isabelle. However, by listening to what he wants, she may get him to be more cooperative and less controlling. It is possible that rather than jealousy, what she is experiencing with her ex are control issues. By paying attention to his needs, she may reduce his need for control and make it easier for her to negotiate with him and keep him out of her private affairs. If after listening to what he has to say, he is still trying to control her and refuses to negotiate the schedule unless she agrees to his demands, she could benefit from a consultation with an attorney.
I want to thank Isabelle for sharing his experiences with me and giving me an opportunity to help her. I also would like to thank you for following this series. I am honored to be part of your journey to find and enjoy the right partner and look forward to sharing future articles with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at eliminating jealousy from a relationship, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at: www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.