Do you wish you knew how to manage jealousy in a relationship? To a certain extent, everyone’s answer to this question is probably “yes”. Today, I want to present you with some solutions.
Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana” Relationship series. In my last segment, I covered Part 1 of my series on ‘managing jealousy in a relationship”. I explored how to understand yourself and explained the 3 steps that you could take towards achieving that goal: clarifying your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
In this segment, I will be exploring Part 2 and the focus will be on understanding your partner’s thoughts and feelings, another important step in developing Emotional Intelligence and eliminating jealousy from your relationship.
To remind you, I am addressing this subject in response to an email I received from Abigail, from Tampa, Florida who stated the following:
“Dr. Georgiana. I have been married for six years to my high school sweetheart. When we were in high school there were a lot of parties and my husband used to disappear on certain weekends and not answer his phone. Even though he is a quiet man, women react favorably to him and often follow him around when they know I am not looking. One time in the recent past, I discovered that he was texting women who were not in our circle of friends or acquaintances. He assured me he was not intimate with any of them and claimed that he was just networking. Even though there was no proof otherwise, it was still too difficult for me to believe him. I have never trusted him again and feel constantly suspicious and jealous when there are women around. As I result of my distrust, I have corresponded with a couple of old boyfriends during our marriage as well and he found out about it, which caused him not to trust me either. Our dynamic is causing me sleepless nights and I wish I could make it stop. I know that you cover your subscribers concerns in depth and though you probably get a lot of emails, it would really help if you could address this issue. I hope you are well and thank you in advance for your help.”
Understand Your Partner’s Thoughts
Abigail should start the process of understanding her partner by focusing on his thoughts. In order to understand what he is thinking at any particular time, she must:
- Listen attentively.
Although listening seems like an obvious component of understanding another person, it is not as easy as it seems, in particular if Abigail’s partner’s thoughts seem unjustified to her. Also, people do not feel comfortable expressing thoughts related to jealousy or when they feel accused of cheating, so her partner may express other types of negative thoughts instead and accuse her of trying to hurt him or of being selfish, which may confuse and upset her. It is essential that she listens even if what she hears seems strange or distorted. By listening, she may be surprised to discover that some of her partner’s thoughts may actually be quite accurate. And if they are not, it will help her understand how her partner perceives her and the relationship and allow her to initiate a conversation about his perception. If he feels heard, he may be more likely to give her a chance to explain herself and be more open to reviewing his own thinking.
Listening has one last benefit: it will help Abigail find out whether her partner has the capacity or willingness to be faithful. This is a very important step for her to take. I will dedicate a whole segment to it, in Part 3 of this series.
- Not interrupt him.
It is important for Abigail to allow her partner to talk without commenting. This will give him permission to fully express himself and encourage him to clarify what he is truly thinking. It will also help him notice when he is distorting in any way. On the contrary, if she interrupts him and defend herself, he may defend his line of thinking no matter how distorted it may be.
And finally, not interrupting her partner will allow Abigail to understand what she needs to do in order to address his unmet needs. Often when there is cheating in a relationship, it’s because there is a poor understanding of what the other person is missing in that partnership.
- Clarify what he is saying.
When Abigail’s partner has finished speaking, she should try paraphrasing what he said and repeat it back to him. Even though this may seem silly to her, this simple action will show him that she cares and will ensure that there aren’t any misunderstandings between them. If she is unsure about something, she should ask a clarifying question to understand her partner in a deeper way. It’s important to remember that the point here is about listening, not about assuming she know what her partner means.
Understand Your Partner’s Feelings
Abigail should continue the process of understanding her partner by paying attention to his feelings. This is essential in forming a healthy romantic relationship without distrust and jealousy.
Understanding her partner’s feelings will open the door into his intimate emotional life and help Abigail discover what makes him happy or unhappy.
- In order to understand her partner’s feelings, effectively, Abigail has to learn to “read” his emotional cues and ask questions.
She can do the following:
- Train herself to recognize emotions in others by becoming more aware of them in herself.
- Focus on how her partner expresses emotions physically, paying particular attention to facial expressions
- Listen to his tone of voice. After facial expressions, tone of voice is the second most common way in which people express emotion.
- Observe and note her partner’s general behavior and demeanor. If she notices that he is distant, for example, she will have a chance to do something to make him feel closer to her.
- Double-check her interpretations.
It’s easy to misinterpret emotional signs. Abigail should try not to make too many assumptions about her partner’s feelings without verifying if her assumptions are correct.
- Ask her partner to explain and validate his feelings.
If Abigail is uncertain how her partner feels or why he feels a certain way, it is important for her to ask him to explain. She should recognize that it might be difficult for her partner to express his emotions to her. Expressing emotions isn’t easy. This is especially true if the emotions are deeply negative (such as fear, anger or jealousy) and in particular if as a result, her partner feels embarrassed or ashamed.
Abigail should make sure that she validates her partner’s feelings. This involves acknowledging to her partner that what he is feeling is as important to her as it is to him. She doesn’t need to analyze or judge the validity of those feelings. She simply needs to acknowledge the fact that she understands what he is feeling and that she cares.
- Ask him what he needs from her.
It may be that Abigail’s partner has an issue with the relationship that he has not been able to share with her. So it would be wise for her to ask him what she can do to make their relationship better. When he sees that she is willing to make an effort to meet his needs, he will be less likely to look elsewhere or doubt her commitment to him.
So to summarize, how can understanding her partner’s thoughts and feelings help Abigail reduce jealousy in her relationship?
One thing that my clients often hear from me is that information is power. And by power I do not mean something that can be misused, but rather that knowledge about how a partner thinks and feels and their realization that you do understand them will make them feel closer to you and less likely to give you any reason to be jealous or want to be with someone else yourself.
If Abigail’s partner has the capacity for honesty, control over his impulses, reasonable emotional maturity and the desire to have a healthy relationship, she can feel confident that with the type of communication described above, he is less likely to cheat.
If Abigail or any of you have doubts about specific traits or behaviors that may make another person more prone to be dishonest, I encourage you to stay tuned for Part 3 of my series on managing jealousy in a relationship where I will explore the personality traits of a cheater.
I want to thank Abigail for sharing her experiences with me and giving me an opportunity to help her. I also would like to thank you for following this series. I am honored to be part of your journey to find and enjoy the right partner and look forward to sharing future segments with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at eliminating jealousy from a relationship, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I create new segments by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at: www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. . She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.