Do you feel that you or someone you know could use some self-management?
In the context of Emotional Intelligence, self-management refers to the methods, skills, and strategies by which individuals can effectively manage their bodies, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a way that is consistent with the achievement of their objectives. Identifying and understanding the dimensions and focus of self-management is the first step toward improving and gaining control over your life.
DIMENSION #1: MANAGEMENT OF YOUR BODY
Self-management begins with your body. The human body is marvelously intricate and some of the processes that ensure life run automatically (e.g., breathing, digestion, blood circulation). All we need to do is stay out of the way, providing optimal conditions so that these autonomic processes can do what they are designed to do.
In spite of our body’s ability to perform self-management on auto-pilot, there is a great deal we can do to improve the way our body interacts with our emotions. We need to pay special attention to good nutrition, physical activity, and good sleep habits because these have the greatest impact on our health. When we are physically rested, eat well and exercise regularly we are less prone to overreact to emotional triggers and are less vulnerable to stress.
DIMENSION #2: MANAGEMENT OF YOUR THOUGHTS
Emotions are usually stirred from beliefs and as a result, our thoughts have a powerful influence on what we feel. For instance, if we think that something bad is about to happen or has just happened, we are likely to experience fear or anger; and if we think that something good is about to happen or has just happened, we are likely to experience joy or satisfaction.
Managing thoughts is about managing both their quantity and quality. When we think too much or have thoughts running through our mind non-stop, we tend to generate negative emotions and mind states, such as anxiety, confusion, and the inability to focus. This can cause sleeplessness and muscle tension. One way to slow down our mind is to exercise self management and to practice some form of meditation or relaxation.
Another way is to focus our mind on an activity that captures your attention, such as reading a book, watching a movie, or listening to music. Managing the quality of our thoughts is a bit more difficult than physical self-management, but with practice, you’ll get there. Managing your thoughts is about making sure that what you are thinking is accurate or true rather than just an assumption or a distorted belief. Keeping a thought record can help us identify those types of thoughts. Once we identify a questionable belief, we can use reason to analyze its validity by gathering evidence that either supports or refutes the belief. If we find out that the belief was wrong, it becomes easy to discard it and replace it with a more accurate thought.
DIMENSION #3: MANAGEMENT OF YOUR FEELINGS
The best way to manage our feelings is by managing the thoughts that trigger those feelings. Once emotions are triggered, especially powerful ones such as anger, jealousy or fear, they can shape our behavior in ways that are difficult to predict and control. Therefore we have to learn self-management techniques for stopping an emotionally-laden behavior.
One of the most useful self-management skills for controlling emotions include deep breathing, relaxation, visualization, prayer, meditation, and vigorous exercise. There is no way to know for sure which will work best for you. You need to experiment with all of these strategies to find which is best for you.
Another good emotional self-management strategy is to avoid situations that tend to trigger unpleasant or disturbing emotions and to seek out situations that trigger pleasant and positive emotions. For example, if driving to and from work when there is a lot of traffic on the road tends to make you feel stressed, you could try to change your work schedule or consider taking public transportation instead. If going to music concerts gives you a great deal of pleasure and fulfillment, make an effort to attend more concerts to maintain balance in your life.
DIMENSION #4: MANAGEMENT OF YOUR BEHAVIOR
Behavior happens for a reason. When we do something it is almost always for a purpose or to achieve a goal. Even if the goal is not clear to us, there is always an underlying intention beneath the behavior. Therefore, to exercise self-management skills, we need to understand the motivation or intention behind our actions at the very least we need to do this for behaviors that are counterproductive or harmful. This means that self-management demands the understanding of the feelings and thoughts that prompt our behavior, a fact that takes us back to what we said earlier about managing thoughts and feelings.
There are also techniques we can use to stop an unwanted behavior or to trigger a desirable one. Time-outs are a well-known and effective technique for preventing an angry and counterproductive response in an interpersonal conflict. Or, if we are procrastinating and delaying an activity that we need to do, we can motivate ourselves through self management by examining all the reasons why we need to move forward, or by identifying and trying to understand the causes for the delay. Ultimately, managing behavior requires willpower. We must want to change a behavior and dedicate the attention and effort needed to make a desired change into reality.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, French) Emotional Intelligence and Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator.
Her e-book: Don’t Get Stuck With the Wrong Partner: Learn to detect unhealthy traits and behaviors in others is available on Amazon Kindle. In it you will find more dating tips:
- 60 questions that will help you determine who your current or potential partner may be.
- 10 dimensions that may reveal inconsistent, unhealthy or harmful patterns of behavior in another person.
- Suggestions on how to interpret inconsistencies in behavior in the person that you are considering committing to.
- Advice on what to do when you find traits and behaviors that make you uncomfortable or that suggest deeply rooted physical or psychological issues that are hard to manage and live with.
You can subscribe to her YouTube Channel and to her online news bulletin “Relationships On Fire” on her website at www.drgeorgiana.com.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.