Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In my previous segment, I pointed out many of the characteristics of The Impulsive Person that can bring emotional unrest to your life. In this segment, I am going to discuss The Jealous individual.
I am presenting this segment in answer to an email I received from Max from Honolulu, Hawaii, with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
I met Janice at work about 2 years ago but we didn’t start dating until recently. At work, she is gossipy and competitive and has a tendency to complain about other peoples’ achievements or get upset if she isn’t recognized for her work. However, she has always been very friendly with me and I always have felt that we had a connection. Soon after we started dating, I introduced her to my parents and siblings. Not long after that, she started complaining that I was spending too much time communicating with family members and not paying enough attention to her. When I pointed out that my parents really liked her, she dismissed it and said that they were probably trying to make me feel good. Another thing that happened recently is that I got a promotion at work. This was something I had been waiting for with anticipation. Janice was not convinced I would get the promotion and when I did get it, instead of being happy for me, she seemed irritated and preoccupied. I asked her what was going on and she responded that now I was going to be even busier and have less time to spend with her. She also said she was unsure if I would be able to handle the pressures of the new role. I found this offensive. I also find her at times overly focused on superficial things such as how people look and what they wear. I am beginning to think that Janice cares more about herself than about me. Dr. Georgiana, can you please help me figure out what is going on?”
Max, it seems that you are dating a person who suffers from jealousy and deep insecurity. A jealous and insecure individual is someone who habitually feels suspicion, fear and resentment against someone because they perceive that person as a rival, as having too much success or too many advantages, or as being unfaithful. Jealous people are often vigilant in maintaining or guarding something they value. Therefore, jealousy is often accompanied by controlling behaviors.
You have described Janice with enough detail. Here are the 10 characteristics that you described in her that fit the profile of a jealous and insecure person.
She:
- Is constantly comparing herself to others
- Diminishes other people’s accomplishments
- Is selfish
- Is gossipy and back-stabs
- Is defensive
- Is materialistic
- Is extremely competitive or authoritarian
- Dismisses the good news shared by others
- Wants to spend less time with successful friends
- Does not show support when another person is in need
It is not clear in your email what your connection with Janice is based on. It seems that you are beginning to realize the impact of Janice’s characteristics on you. I fear that you are yet fully aware of what could happen if you continue in this relationship as it stands. You will probably feel exhausted, frustrated, angry, trapped, suffocated, criticized, unappreciated and blamed.
It is possible for Janice to change her behavior over time. But she would need to start by acknowledging her jealousy and insecurity herself and have a willingness to change. I suggest that you try to address your concern with her and see what happens. If you do not label her and just address the behavior, she may be able to hear you.
Given that insecurity is an ingrained trait, Janice could benefit from the help of a professional and would need to take an active role and humble attitude toward her treatment. If Janice is resistant to seeking help at the moment, you may want to take a break from the relationship until she follows through and fully engages with the process.
Max, I want to thank you for sharing your experiences with me and giving me an opportunity to advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future articles with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.
