Are there people in your personal or professional life who have traits or behaviors that you consider unhealthy? If so, do you wish you would have known how to spot them sooner?
Welcome to the Dr. Georgiana Relationship Series: “The 14 Types of People To Avoid”. In my previous segment, I pointed out many of the characteristics of The Fearful/Avoidant person that can bring emotional unrest to your life. In this segment, I am going discuss The Angry Person.
I am presenting this segment in answer to an email I received from Juliana from San Francisco, California with the following question:
“Dear Dr. Georgiana:
My boyfriend Philip is an ambitious and successful attorney. I have always been attracted to powerful and successful men. I guess they make me feel more secure even though deep down I know that it doesn’t mean they really love me. When we started dating I was impressed by Philip’s drive and confidence. He is not someone who takes no for an answer and usually gets what he wants. After going out with him for a few months, I began to notice that he often expresses aggressive feelings toward people who do not behave as he wants them to and that he gets mad at himself if he does something that does not meet his high standards. He also has a conflictive relationship with his parents and has a hard time managing stress. His best friend, Jim who is also an attorney told me that Philip has difficult relationships at work and that he has the reputation of being unnecessarily confrontational and aggressive. According to his friend, recently Philip had a fist fight with another worker over some disagreement. A few times in our relationship, when I had to change our plans for dinner, he got really upset with me, misinterpreted the meaning of what I was saying and said that I was untrustworthy and made him waste his time. After we are intimate, he tends to withdraw and become less affectionate. In short, I am becoming a bit scared and don’t know how to share my feelings with Philip. I am concerned that he will get upset and not hear me.”
Juliana, it is difficult to negotiate a relationship if you do not share your thoughts and feelings. You should expect your partner to take the time to hear what concerns you. Is this something that has been a problem for you with previous partners? If so, maybe you should address it with a professional who can help you understand your own needs. Your intuition is pointing you in the right direction and is suggesting caution. It is unusual for a grown man to have a physical confrontation at work, no matter who started the argument.
Anger is a normal emotion resulting from a perception of having been offended, wronged, or unjustly denied something of value. It usually involves a strong emotional response to a perceived provocation. It becomes a problem when it is chronic, when it is based on distorted beliefs, and/or when it is expressed in a way that is inappropriately aggressive.
If Philip is unable to manage his emotions, it is a big concern. In your email, you have identified 10 characteristics of an angry person that Philip possesses.
He:
- Distorts (wrongly assumes what the other person is thinking or feeling or why he/she is acting in a certain way)
- Has high levels of aggressive feelings toward self or others, which he either disapproves of strongly and suppresses, or which he feels are totally justified and vehemently expresses
- May be carrying anger from childhood
- Has a history of arguments and physical fights
- Acts in accordance with his mood of the moment.
- Lacks impulse control
- Avoids intimacy
- Does not have a flexible repertoire of coping skills
- Is hypersensitive to rejection
- Invalidates himself
A person who has difficulty in managing anger can oscillate between having a lot of energy and having very little and their repressed anger can turn into depression. And they may also use a variety of unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking, taking street or prescription drugs or act impulsively in a variety of ways. You should watch out for this.
If Philip does not resolve his anger issues, you would most likely live constantly afraid of confrontations with him. You will likely feel rejected, controlled, wrongly accused, on edge, sad or depressed, fearful about life and making mistakes and angry at him. This is not a good situation for you. Given the level of defensiveness that Philip presented when you were addressing your dinner plans, it is unlikely that he will acknowledge his anger issue. You can try to talk to him but rather than trying to convince him that you are right about any particular situation, I would focus your conversation on your expectation that he will get some help with the management of his emotions. Before you have this discussion with him, I would also be clear with yourself as to what your position will be if he does not follow through.
Juliana, I want to thank you for sharing your experience with me and giving me an opportunity to advise you. To everyone following the series, I am honored to be part of your journey to find the right partner. I look forward to sharing future articles with you, connecting in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
If you have been successful at spotting unhealthy people, in particular an angry person, before they created too much pain in your life, please share your wisdom in the comments’ section below or on my Facebook page. You can see the answer to many of my subscriber’s questions and be notified when I post new articles by signing up to receive my online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator. Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on the Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her videos on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce on her YouTube Page.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: gs@drgeorgiana.com or phone: 1-650-731-5105.